crosses my fingers

Well I was talking to a special woman who is like a fairy god mother to me..

She helped me during the trials of my divorce and so forth
She as encourage me to write an article for this magazine
which I have

Now I am hoping the article will be good enough to publish

only time will tell

the article:

C'est la Vie

Being a woman who was born in the 70ties, a teen in the 80ties and raised in a southeastern USA city that was widely and dominantly a strong Christian area, accepting that you are bi-sexual isn't easy, especially if you come from a religious family that saw homosexuality as being a sin against god. Even when a woman finally accepts that she is a lesbian or is bi-sexual, even during this day and age she faces the everyday struggles of prejudice, hatred, vulgarity, stereo-typing, ignorance and yes even violence. When you are a bi-sexual woman who is also a mother, so many different doors of difficulties are opened up. If you tell your children, when do you tell them? If one of your children is homosexual, how do you deal with the comments that it was because you influenced them or did something to cause it to happen? In today's society, being homosexual creates a lot of new obstacles in life.
I am a bi-sexual woman and a mother of two. My youngest child is no longer a child but a girl close to 16 years of age. Despite her fear that I would hate and reject her, she approached me with courage to tell me that she was bi-sexual. Until that day I chose for a number of reasons not to tell my children that I was bi-sexual.
The first reason was because I was divorced from their father and feared him using it against me. My former husband had custody because I live in another country and I was fighting for my visitation rights and rights as a mother. The other was because I wasn't sure how to approach the subject with them. I certainly did not want to confuse them and since I was still learning about my true self, I felt it was best that I didn't discuss it with them.
I will not forget the night my daughter told me nor will I forget my admiration for her strength. I will also not forget the tears of relief when I confided in her that I too was bi-sexual. My daughter had questions. Her first question was, "When did you first know you were bi-sexual?" This was difficult question to answer because it was more when I accepted that I was also attracted to woman than when I knew that I was bi-sexual which was important.
When I was a teen, I did not choose to be attracted to women, no more than I could choose what size my breast was going to be. It was a natural development. However society and the environment in which I was raised didn't see it as being natural. So I hid behind a half-truth, that my interest in the female body was because they was the greatest piece of art work thus I was interested merely as one who attempted to put the beauty my eyes perceived down in sketches and drawings. It was true, the woman's body is the greatest work of art that exists, but my interest was more. I was sexually attracted to the same sex.
I convinced myself though that I wasn't. As a result I ended up marrying way to young to a man that was in the opinion of my family the ideal man, husband. He was macho, very southern and abusive. I suffered 10 years of lying to myself as I denied myself knowing who I really was. After all it was better than being ridiculed or even attacked and in an area that had very low tolerance for Homosexuality, revealing that you could love someone of the same sex was dangerous.
For 10 years I was unfulfilled, unhappy and living a lie. I was a bird trapped in a cage. However after 10 years I meet a woman that helped me mustard the courage to break free and spread my wings and fly. She was like a fairy godmother. I moved to be with a new man in Germany. At first just a French male friend from a far, he became much more.
When I first came to Germany, I still was in denial. My male friend was not my family's idea of the ideal man. He was strongly feminine. Though he was not they often told me he had to be gay. In many ways he did seem to fall in line of a stereotype gay male. It was his femininity, his caring and nurturing nature that not only saved me but that I fell in love with. For the first time I opened up to my true self. For the first time I was free and happy. With his and my fairy godmother's support I continued to learn how to fly.

Coming to Germany was the best thing I had ever done for myself. Placing a great deal of distance between me and the ignorance and bias feeling of my family and community allowed me to get to know my true self. My friends encouraged me to follow my heart, my true heart in all aspects of my life. I came to understand that I wasn't attracted to just men. In fact I wasn't attracted to someone's gender but I was attracted to the caring, tender and gentleness that were so common label as being the characteristics of women. I learned it didn't matter if they were female or male, physically I could love and be loved by both. More importantly I learned I was not desiring something that was wrong or unnatural.

Finally I had found my true self and embraced it. To say I do not care what will happen when my family learns that I am bi-sexual would be another half-truth. I do care, but now only because I do not want to be placed in a position of defending myself. So I have chosen to not discuss my personal life with them. Just as one battle was over another had begun. My daughter is and will always be my miracle and greatest gift in life. As she sat on the bed before me, I saw me, once upon a time. Only unlike me, she would not loose her true self by living a lie.

Sadly my former husband, her father doesn't approve. He doesn't know that I am bi-sexual but knows about my daughter and her girl friend. He says it doesn't matter but his actions speak differently. My daughter's father insists on meeting with my daughter's girl friend's father. My daughter's girl friend's family doesn't know and this could be devastating.

My sexuality must now come out so that I can defend the rights of my daughter. This of course opens the door to so many fears. I fear how the law will deal with this if and I am sure when he brings it before the court. How do I answer accusations that I somehow caused my daughter to be bi-sexual? I can only remember her strength as she came to me and learn from it. To learn from her example and stand against what will come, refusing to live a lie and deny my true self.

To learn and follow her example and stand proud before the World and say, "This is me. This is who I am." This doesn't mean that I will not face hatred, bigotry, ignorance or even violence, for I know that is life. What it does mean though is that I will be true to my true self and maybe that other woman struggling with the same ordeals will hear me and sigh in relief that they are not alone, because it helps to know that we are not alone, for that is also life.